I’m not long a Twitter user. I ignored it for a while, but eventually I saw the value. Riboflavin.
Today, Twitter sent me an e-mail to say that I was being “followed” by Laura Lacole. If you don’t know about Twitter, what that means is that “Laura” has chosen to have my output included on her home page. Now, I actually do have followers; by and large, folks from the Belfast DIY music community, who might know me from local gigs and festivals, and have some vague interest in what I have to say. But I did not know Laura.
A quick click took me to her home page, where her brief bio simply says “Northern Ireland’s top titty model!”. OK, I think I get that. Not exactly sure what a titty model specifically is, particularly given the relatively modest titties on the heavily “photoshopped” backgound picture (and by “heavily”, I mean “makes David Cameron’s election posters look like National Geographic”), but one line on the home page says “Dont forget Boys and Girls, page 30 of todays Daily Sport newspaper, im your brainteaser babe x”, so I think we know where we’re going here.
The thing is, Laura’s following me on Twitter does nothing for her career. Unless the wit and wisdom of my Tweets is going to be a major life-changing influence, and that seems unlikely. I doubt if even my real friends would rate my impromptu thoughts as a major source of wisdom. If I was to reciprocate, however, then my Twitter home page would receive messages from the Laura camp. But there’s no way that I’d do that , given that I’d rather have both kidneys removed without anaesthetic than read the Daily Sport.
What I suspect is going on here is that Laura is in the grasp (figuratively speaking) of an Internet marketing advisor. This is the kind of parasite who charges you for an imaginary path to success and stardom via the mysterious and hidden tides of Internet popularity. Which, apparently, includes following me on Twitter. I’d send out a mocking or hostile Tweet, but I haven’t the heart. Laura Lacole is just a girl with a good figure, trying to make it as a model. (Maybe I should Tweet “Drop the ‘titty’ headline dear. They’re OK, but if you look to my other followers, you’ll find better.”
Laura’s followers number 419 (far less than the speculative list of users followed at 1,520) supporting my theory of random-ish requests sent out in the hope of reciprocal behaviour. The putative marketing advisor might claim success at nearly a third, but 419 is nothing. Archetypal Twitter guru Stephen Fry has 1,599,152 followers (of which, I am not one). Lady GaGa has 4,797,932 (of which, I am not one either). I’m not absolutely convinced that the career of either of them is greatly influenced via Twitter, but a potential five million audience to your “riboflavin” is not to be sneezed at.
I’m not blocking Laura (a facility on Twitter which prevents “following”). I’m pretty sure she’ll go away of her own accord. “Sack the marketing guy.”
(Twittering at http://twitter.com/recycled_alien )